The Cruelty of Memory

The memory is a wonderful complexity. It is seemingly infinite in depth at times and yet often proves to be tragically shallow. The beauty of it's vibrancy can bring great delight while the coldness of it's reminder can chill the soul to a standstill. It is not predictable yet remains moldable. The memory can be a faithful friend while also demonstrates the ability to scorn and shame as a grievous adversary.

Is the memory a figment of reality? Can such a paradox exist? Is the memory a hostage to either good or evil? Is the memory just pawn in a grandiose equipoise? How can something so influential be so incredibly daunting?

The memory seems to dine on a steady diet of fright and anxiety. The memory skews thought process and jumbles eloquence. Rationality is not a concern of memory while it snickers in the mind of the truly concerned. Past is resurrected in the present and, at times, becomes the feared future. Memory is not easily recessed as it threatens to break the threshold that so fragilely keeps it at bay.

The memory enlightens. The memory evokes in order that it might once again bring blessing. The joy of what once was can be recollected to guide the up and coming. The memory drinks of beauty and charm with the ability to comfort and confirm. It is tailored uniquely to each one in order that it might meet each need.

The memory is an intricacy that has no power to enslave on it's own and yet the self remains unable tame the memory within it's own power. Claiming and keeping the memory to oneself only ensures failure and despondency. The memory must too be surrendered to the only one that can soothe the spirit. Though continuous affirmation of what has been done away with will undoubtedly be needed, the memory can be used for enduring exultation and no longer perpetual condemnation. Such profundity can only be gifted. Loosening the tight grip on what is apparently constrainable only reveals the futility of rendering the memory obedient to such a trembling soul as mine own.

Simplification

Lately my life has taken another shift. This no longer surprises me as a consistent and predictable existence has not really been available to me for a number of years. I take no anxiety nor pride in my current state. The process of simplification has begun within my heart and I cannot foresee the closing curtain.

Growing up, life seemed incredibly black and white. My teenage years were painted with the wide brush of certainty. The world appeared to be a simple place while my mind was complex. I now am undergoing a paradigm shift. I see the world as immensely complex and am attempting to simplify my mind.

I can be so easily overwhelmed with all that I do not know. On the other side of the coin, I can be so dangerously confident in what I do. Fear accompanies both extremes. What I do not know I feel I must quickly master. What I do know I feel I must quickly teach.

My lack of knowledge manifests into a mocking bystander. It so confidently calls out my faults and reminds me of all the reasons why I should reserve myself. It has the luxury of being completely detached from my emotional needs as a learner. Inadequacy becomes the open wound that is consistently agitated so that reparation is simply not an option.

The prideful attitude towards the cache of my understanding remains equally obnoxious. Being somewhat learned in a particular topic brings about an instigatory mindset that spurs me to quickly regurgitate on the next passerby. If I can baffle another by smooth and crafty wordplay, then I have succeeded in becoming the victor in this competitive gambit called life. Strangely enough, being alone at the top is a bitter cup to drink.

I want a simplified soul. I want to follow the life, the love, and the heart of just one. I want to see that there is more to this Jesus than what I have sung about in the children's choir and read about in the family devotional. I want to approach the complexities of this life with a simple mindset. I don't want to be simple minded, but I want to grasp the elementary ways that Christ taught; He all the while being the complexity of deity in the familiarity of the flesh.

Humility is the answer here. If I can realize that not knowing everything is okay and that knowing everything is not possible, then I might sooner realize that my strength and intellect alone are not sufficient. If God wants to reveal Himself more, then I shall receive that revelation with humility knowing that it was not me that wrenched it from His grasp nor shrewdly coaxed it from his gracious allowance. I will cast aside all needless preoccupation with "ologies" and "isms" and seek the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the definition of truth and in His simple name I shall find all. Oddly enough, I can see myself approaching the same challenges and yet being assured of the place where I might find rest.