just another sanic sunday...doesn't really sound the same

Well, I spent this weekend at home. I needed to come home and get away from the worst three weeks in history. However, God is still good and He is ever-faithful. I can give you a short rundown of what I did this weekend if you'd like.

-started reading and decided never to finish a certain novel in the span of one chapter
-watched a crazy movie with no words; only fast-motion video and 20th century, Phillip Glass music
-re-pierced my left ear which tried to close on me
-took some terrible photos of my house
-ate a frisco melt with 3x more dressing than should be allowed on a burger with toast
-redeemed the insane sandwich with an incomprehensibly thick strawberry shake
-used a toothbrush that had been unwrapped in the drawer in my house for months
-slept in my queen size even though I would vouch that I am more deserving of a king due to my huge ego
-realized that my money will no longer be mine after February's school payment
-decided to invest in a cajon instead of a djembe
-confirmed that my church needs to be reformed
-confirmed that my church appoints great Sunday school teachers
-didn't do homework
-realized once again how much like hell war is
-sobered that many people who experience the hell of war will experience the hell of hell
-ate my mother's good cookies
-was refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the semester

It was a good weekend. I am thankful to have a family that loves me. I also realized how rare my family is. God is good.

  
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a fast revelation

Wow! All I can say is wow. God is good. If He is not, then pain has no purpose. I will tell you what happened in the past day.

Yesterday my floor fasted all day from food. We took time throughout the day to have community prayer with one another, but we were trying to promote an attitude of prayer in whatever we were doing. Obstaining from food makes us realize the sustaining energy that food provides. In response, we can see how much greater the Lord sustains us because He is the one that provides our daily food. When fasting, the times of greatest hunger should provoke our minds to think of the Lord and to ask Him for satisfaction instead of turning to a sandwich.

I do not put a tag on fasting and say that it magically brings about miracles in and of itself. However, when we seek the Lord with all of our hearts, we tend to see Him working in ways that we may not realize on a daily basis. Fasting makes us more aware of the little things that the Lord does for us. To be honest, my day of fasting did not go well. It wasn't that I kept sneaking food, but more that I did not want to seek the Lord. This has been a problem of mine for a few weeks and I was not seeing any response from the Lord as I asked Him to prod me to seek Him. I felt cold and I felt lonely.

We broke the fast at around ten o'clock last night with a good number of the men on the floor. We opened with music and a short testimony of what my friend Jake had experienced during the day. His results were very positive as He was able to focus greatly on the Lord. As we ate some cheese, apples, and honey, we heard more people speak of their good experiences that they had had. I was having none of it as my day, quite honestly, was no good. Then it came time for me to share. I could not be dishonest. I told everyone how my day had gone and that I was worn down from seeking and not finding. I knew that the Lord was the only one who could satisfy me, but I didn't want to go to Him because I felt He had left the scene. This scared me as I caught a glimpse of, what I thought, my faith slipping.

In reality, I was not slipping. The Lord knew that it was enough. He knew that it was time for Him to reveal Himself to me once again. This came about as the next hour or so was spent hearing testimonies of how broken many of the men on the floor were. Many of us are being tortured inside by different circumstances. Some of us broke down, me being one of them. We then just sang and prayed for healing. We prayed that as we were completely empty of all other hope besides the Lord, that He would fill us with peace. Healing came to our floor. I should not say that everyone is completely fine, but we had a time of new beginning. Graciously, the Lord came to me and filled me. My dispair is gone. I feel Him once again. What a blessing it is.

It is incredible to know that he Lord only lets His children go so far in their suffering and then He steps in. He allows the refining fire to blaze and burn in us until that dross is removed. It is all within His control. His love is too great to allow it to consume us completely if we have been called to His side.

I am going home this weekend. I am going home to digest all that has happened thus far in the semester. I can finally absorb the beauty of my trip to China and see how the Lord worked. I can rest and see how what all the Lord has taught me in some of the hardest spiritual times I have had in my life. I can be with my family who is excited to see me. I am loved by them and I have something to go home to. My heavenly Father is the same way. He wanted me to come back to Him and see the love He has for me. I won't argue it. There is no place I'd rather be.

How marvelous, How Wonderful, and my song shall ever be
How marvelous, How Wonderful, is my Savior's love for me

lost in the faces?...not even close

This morning I had somewhat of an epiphany. For the past few weeks my soul has been troubled and so I have found no peace in the Lord. I felt that He was distancing Himself to teach me a lesson. This could have very much been the case, however, I feel that I did go after the Lord to see where He might have gone. Now, this is all figurative language of course because I know that He is omnipresent. On the other hand, due to our emotions and current circumstance, I feel that His presence is not so obvious to us.

This morning I was really at my wits end. I had bits and pieces of peaceful moments throughout the week, but it was always fleeting. It was if God was saying, "Hey Jeff, you know I am here, but I am not going to lead you by the hand like a little child. It is time to grow up a little and do some seeking of yourself." I was journaling my prayers as I often do right after I wake up. The first part of the prayer was to simply ask God to bring my heart to the point of desire for His presence. I proceeded in the next few lines to tell Him about how my life has sucked recently when it hit me. I knew this whole time where God was.

Jesus Christ went through the torment of crucifixion to pay for our sins. Right? Okay, but the journey to the cross is what makes Him our compassionate friend, our sympathizer, if you will. Whatever amount of ridicule or coldness I experience from others, it cannot compare to the loneliness that Christ experienced. Not only did He get this from His people, but His own Father turned His face away as well. Realizing this illuminated my attitude as one of complete selfishness. Who am I to think that I am the only one who has suffered in such a way? The God that I thought had withdrawn was actually beside me helping me carry my burden and I was too absorbed with myself that I wouldn't turn my head to the right to see His arms carrying me.

Pain, loneliness, suffering, and many other bad things on this earth are truly hard to handle. Emotion is real and we cannot deny how we feel. However, if those emotions cloud the reality that Christ said He would never leave us nor forsake us, then we will miss the point of suffering entirely. You can be told this over and over again, but I believe that one must realize it wholly for himself. There can be no true application until we grasp this reality with our hearts. It seems like we would be entitled to be selfish in times of trial, but God has made no excuses for self-centeredness anywhere in His Word. So, we must conclude that our lives are meant to be shared with Him, and, thankfully, other people as well. However, Christ is the only one who can sympathize completely with what we are facing. Not sure why, but after twenty years I still lose sight of the hope that I have found in Christ.

Psalm 145 - A Psalm of Praise. Of David

I will exalt You, my God the King; I will praise Your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise You and extol Your name for ever and ever.

Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. One generation will commend Your works to another; they will tell of Your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and I will meditate on Your wonderful works. They will tell of the power of Your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made. All You have made will praise You, O Lord; Your saints will extol You. They will tell of the glory of Your kingdom and speak of Your might, so that all men may know of Your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of Your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked He will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise His holy name for ever and ever.

taking the valleys with the mountain tops

I guess I have been on a spiritual mountain of some kind for almost a year and a half now. I don't mean that kind of fire that you get right after summer camp that fizzles out after a few weeks. I am talking about being blessed with a hunger and thirst for more of Christ almost every day for a consistant amount of time. Looking back, I enjoyed that time so much. There is no greater joy than to know that you matter to the Creator of the universe. Even more than that, having the true desire to look into God's Word and lift up your petitions to Him brings about a deep sense of fulfillment. Unfortunately, we cannot always live on the mountain tops. This is where I am at right now, in a bit of a valley.

I am not really depressed or anything like that because I still have hope. This hope is the only thing that keeps me going from day to day. I have a hope for a better future. More importantly, I have a hope that this valley will bring about my growth in the Lord. How many times was I unfaithful and God was never shaken? He continued to bless me with an excitement to go through the day and I would still choose to sin. Each morning, I was renewed. What a blessing that is! Praise God for His unconditional love.

So, how do I take this point in my life where God has not forsaken me, but has withdrawn the great feelings that I had every morning. This does not scare me, but it pushes me. I must remain faithful to my God even though I may not always feel like it. I don't have to fake my feelings or pretend that I am worshipping Him. Really, I believe I am called to pursue what I once had. Even more than that, I must pray for the desire to pursue because I really feel like even seeking Him. I think that we look at these valleys from the wrong perspective. If we are completely honest, we DON'T feel like seeking the Lord. This is okay because our faith is not based upon feelings. We have made a committment to following Christ. As it is within marriage, you must remain faithful to your wife even when you don't feel like it. Praying for the right heart that wants to pursue is not wrong. God knows our true heart, and he will meet us on the elementary levels that we are at. Beginning at wanting to want God seems so basic, but if we are not honest about our feelings, then we will never find the satisfaction of our truest needs.

This is where I am at. Do not be afraid when the feelings for God go. He has not left. He wants to see us return to Him. I believe He wants to see His children seeking Him. Just like any father would want to see his child looking for him, we need to pursue our Heavenly Father and display our love for His nearness. It is only within the arms of our God that we can truly feel safe. Matthew 28:20 "...And surely I am with you ALWAYS, to the very end of the age" (emphasis mine)

questions about love?

I am taking this class here at Moody that is all about discussing challenging topics. I must say that I have never been challenged in such a great way to think about why I believe what I believe. As it turns out, I am not sure of a lot of things that I say I believe. There is no reason or background let alone research to back up what I say. I simply believe because...well, I don't know why.

The book we are reading challenged us to evaluate why we love. Do we truly love a person because they encompass a great human being? This book suggested that the reason we love and the attributes that we look for are really our search for God. We do not strictly love the person because God is love and we have Him written on our hearts. It is true that we may not know that we are searching for something as specific as God, but we do know how we want to be loved: unconditionally and whole-heartedly. There are so many problems with humans and our imperfect love is one of those problems. Why do we continue to pursue human love when we know it is full of flaws? I don't really have the exact answer to this.

However, if God made us in His image, then we have the ability to reflect God in our very essence. Maybe I love someone not because I want their love, but because I want perfect love. I don't know if I believe that statement, I am still struggling to find out what it is or what amount of God we can reflect in our lives. I believe that we can love people, but do we love them specifically or do we love the way they reflect how God loves us? It probably sounds like I don't believe I could love a woman, but I know that this is not true. I am simply trying to figure out why we even WANT to love another human. I have no doubt that God is weaved into our love for others. I believe that we can love God by loving others. So who are we really loving, the individual or God himself, or maybe even both? I would think that if we do love both in truth, then God would need to be loved more than the individual.

Maybe I am thinking myself in circles, but hey, it's my blog. I am just trying to sort things out. Maybe love is separated into human love and a love for God. They are both important then, and I think that God trumps all other forms. However, I like thinking that my love for others actually points to my true love for God and that I could actually love that person for the way God made them. It seems more personal. But, I still think about it.

not so revolutionary

I decided to go to the museum of contemporary art the other night to get away for a while. I had never been to this museum and I went with an open mind to see the world through the eyes of some rather different individuals. I went to the first floor and saw a room full of abstract vinyl cutouts that had random numbers on them. I stood there looking intently, probably trying to look as understanding of the nonesense as possible. No real understanding came even after reading the little blurb painted on the wall. I left that particular room in high spirits because I saw some interesting art, but I was not concerned that I had no idea what it all meant. You could say I was encouraged a little bit as I realized that my mind could easily come up with that "art" as well.

I traveled the next flight of stairs and saw some incredible photography. Photos speak loudly to me and so I went through the next few exhibits happy because I was moved by the statements that the photos were making about the injustices that are going on in this world. The main exhibit was the Richard Tuttle works and I turned the corner to go see what he had to say about this life through his creative mind. I walked through the exhibit completely lost. Some of the random sculptures were genuinely interesting, but I was troubled by most of the pieces. There was absolutely no joining of thoughts on the wall. I watched a short film that dared to explain this madness and I began to get depressed. I am not joking, I began to feel a darkness in my soul because of this art. I am not saying that the art contained some sort of evil, but it did represent the lostness of this world, and, even more specifically, Richard Tuttle.

You see, Richard emerged as an artist in the sixties and was simply respected for having the title. He is truly in his own world of trying to understand the meaning of life. His sense of reality is so far gone that I began to long for understanding FOR him. Since he is now well-known, his art is not questioned but seen as something beyond what most people can comprehend. People assume there is meaning because Richard says there is meaning. Really, his art displays a chaotic mindset that is trying to convince itself that the path to true knowlege can be obtained through human effort. In the wake of his art, people revel at the "complexity" that Tuttle thinks and creates at. Finding true meaning is not needed because whatever the observers are told about the piece is what the art displays.

I should not be surprised because in my quest for finding out what the Lord is doing, I often read what I want to read and take my professors word as I would the Words of God. What brings me peace is when the Lord Himself reveals Himself to me. Debate about how He does this all day, but the Lord speaks today through many ways. I take hope in the fact that I don't need someone to tell me what God is saying. I do not discredit education or take wisdom from other people for granted. However, if we were left with a Bible glued to a white wall that could be read but had no sign next to it on what it meant, we can be sure that God would reveal Himself to us. That sign on the wall just may be the Holy Spirit to unclouds our confused minds and allows us to grasp the grace of God. Maybe the mysteries of this world are not so abstract after all.

Coming back to the states brings the past two weeks into perspective. I cannot really explain all that went on because the majority of people reading this don't want to sit through a day by day rundown of what happened. However, I can sum the trip into a sentence. The country of China now has faces, names, and feelings. Landing on the ground in Hong Kong was cool. Driving through the streets of the big city was downright incredible. However, I only saw another city: cold, consumed by money, and busy. Despite culture shock, the main difference from my life here in Chicago is that I could have gotten lost in the faces much faster. I was just another number, another tourist, another American with American dollars. In return, I had no love for these people. I had no connection with them. The problems I face in the states are the same they face in China as far as humanity is concerned. I worry about money and power and position as does every resident of Hong Kong.

Needless to say, I was scared that my heart would be as cold and hard as the stares that I got. However, my love for the Chinese was found on the spiritual level. I went from the wealth of Hong Kong to the more simple life of Hoi Ping. I could now digest what I was seeing. I established the relationships that I needed in order to even care about the problems in that country. My love existed only because the Divine wrote it upon my heart. I could not attribute this to anything but my care for the body of Christ because apart from the spiritual, I could not and did not love.

However, the spiritual came about through the eyes of a child. Her english name is Tracy and I unfortunately do not know her certainly beautiful Chinese name. She is pictured above. My love for the people of China began as God inscribed it into my being, but was nutured and blossomed into an all-encompassing compassion for the Chinese through the innocence of a five year old child. From my love of their spirit to my desire to see them well fed, my heart grew in its humanity. Tracy contains my love for that country within her eyes and smile. We cannot see true happiness in her smile. To me, this symbolizes the minimal and uncertain hope that the many of the Chinese put into their pagan gods. Nevertheless, they search. Her eyes symbolize the intricate beauty that God has woven into His people over there. Not only physical, as Tracy is a beautiful little child, but God has pieced together a people who are curious for more knowledge and who want to share with you their tradition.

I cannot explain why this picture hit me so hard, but I know that I will forever love these people because of the way the Lord connected me to a culture through the face of a child. No matter how many more hours I stare at her, I will not be satisfied with two weeks in China. The people of China need hearts that love them and love Christ. I had no idea that they could capture my heart by simply being who God created them to be. I guess I should not be surprised at the basic ways that God sometimes works.