praying for the impossible

There are so many things going on right now that I cannot figure out in my head. I want to do this. I want to do that. I wish this would happen. I hope I can go here. I wonder if "x" will come about. I pray for "y".

What this all boils down to is the fact that even though I cannot see how things will work out, I know who does. In fact, I am in love with the One who will work them out. I want to see the impossible become reality. I want to experience things that could never happen apart from divine intervention. Now, I realize that God has his hand in everything, but I truly don't even know where to start.

I want to see opportunity come my way from out of the blue. I want to see a life changed when I thought it was doomed. I want doors to fly open and doors to slam shut. I want a one track mind that is focused on One love. I want to soak up everything along the way. I want to see the future, but don't want to be blinded to the present. I want to please One. I want to stand upon the promises of Scripture and step out. I want to be brought low in humility and rebuilt in wisdom. I want to leave comfort. I want to be steadfast. I want to be patient. I want others to see Christ in the way I walk. I want to be salt and light even before I open my mouth.

I don't want to shy away from risk. I don't want to take my next breath without a thankful heart. I don't want to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to regret. I don't want to put forth less than I should have. I don't want to be famous. I dont want my pride to be fueled. I don't want to reject a compliment. I don't want to be passive. I don't want to forget the past. I don't want to dwell on the past. I don't want to be unlovely. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to see the wicked prevail. I don't want to see the weak taken advantage of. I don't want to be sheltered. I don't want to be stagnant.

I want to see the kingdom come. I want to leave evil behind. I don't want to see pain or suffering. I don't want to hear stories about gangs murdering children. I want to live for Christ today. I want to hope for tomorrow. I don't want to see AIDS destroy the innocent. I don't want to see the impoverish.

I am here in this sinful world but a citizen of another. I do not want to escape this world now. I want the love of Christ to impact the present. I want eternal peace to come. I know this will not happen until all have heard. Until then, what I want is to see more colors, more faces; to hear more languages, and more dialects praising the King of the universe.

The King is witholding his wrath so that more may come. However, when He does come, what a dreadful day it will be for the wicked. Justice will prevail. God will fulfill His promise. What was impossible will be horribly real. No longer will they blaspheme. No longer will they laugh.

Know that God's law is being broken and He will not forgive the wicked apart from Christ. There will be a time when it is too late. We cannot convince ourselves that Elohim and impossibility can coexist. It is impossible for me to be perfect, but Christ impossibly imposed his perfection upon me. I guess there really isn't anything impossible with God.

Maybe I am really just praying for the possible

the poison of pride

At 6 o'clock on Tuesday mornings my dorm floor prays to start the day. It is not that we believe that 6 is better than noon or that the Lord will answer more of our prayers the way we would like if we lose sleep to pray. However, there is something to be said for sacrifice. There is something to be said for giving the firstfruits to the Lord. Starting the day off early with prayer is a good way to focus on our need for God and to be reminded that He must receive our very best, the first bite, if you will. Anyway, as I prayed with my roommate this morning, I truly felt the Spirit of the Lord moving through us as we prayed for our nation.

I am not into politics nor do I like politics. I believe there is a lot of corruption and deceit in government and so I try and stay away from it as much as possible. Whether or not this is the right approach...well that is another blog that I am working on. I find that praying for the entire nation of America to repent is a tough pill to swallow. The Bible says that every nation will turn against Israel in the end. Yes, even America the beautiful will be the enemy of God's chosen people. Nevertheless, even though I know what will eventually happen, it does not mean that between now and that time that the Lord cannot bring about a revival that would bring many to faith. Because I do not know what will happen, I can honestly pray that the Lord change the heart of our wicked nation. It is this hope that allows my heart to pray in Spirit and in truth with full expectation that God will move in such a way if He so desires.

As we prayed for our nation, I realized that pride has become the venom of the enemy to paralize society in sin. Pride is so often thought of as that boy who won little league game and would not stop boasting even to prevent the huge chunk of Big League Chew from falling out of his mouth. However, pride is a crafty sin that takes many of us by surprise. Pride takes the average person and turns him into a rationalizing idiot. Pride disguises itself as a morality scale that is squared up against the acts of others. Pride is the very thing that can be both the offender and defender at the same time. Pride is the essence of self-absorption and spiritual blindedness. How can pride be all of this? How can this seemingly harmless sin darken the lives of so many? It is because it is the exact opposite of what Christ has called us to be.

Pride has no place in a heart given to Christ. Pride elevates the person on an illusionary pedistal. Pride tells us that we are thriving when, in fact, we are dying. If there was a portion of good in us that could redeem our sinful nature, then Christ did a foolish thing on the cross. What a horrible thing to count Christ as a fool. However, when we depend on ourselves for ANYTHING we essentially laugh at the cross of Christ.

My heart is not free of pride. In fact, pride disguises itself when the lost are found. Redemption becomes a weapon and is seen as a badge of honor for ourselves. I may look at a prostitute or a drunk and sigh with relief that I am not sinning as they are and walk on by. It is in that moment that I have declared that I was involved in my soul's redemption and that I should be commended for my inability to sin in such ways.

I believe that, instead of thanking God that I am not stuck in such sin and continuing on, we should look into the eyes of that precious creation of God and see that the very breath that resides in them is the same that dwells in us. I believe that we should equate ourselves with prostitutes and drunkards because prostitution and drunkeness are the result of us trying to fix ourselves. Void of Christ, we are no different. This should bring about a heart of praise. If He were to withdraw, we would grasp at straws just like any other and commit the same sins.

Pride is the same both to the believer and to the nonbeliever. It can blind us to the need for redemption and it can blind us of the One who redeemed us. However, I believe that pride is at the core of this messed up country. Only when I can pray with a humble heart can I effectively battle the prideful heart. This applies to the struggle within myself as well as the struggle with people I encounter. I must humbly accept that I did nothing to deserve or obtain redemption. God's grace allows me to receive blessing instead of the damnation that I justly deserve.

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

I want to go...finally

Ahhhhh! I have gotten there. So many years it has taken. So many kicks in the ole behind it has required. I finally have been brought to the point where I am willing to go. My heart is ready to go wherever. From this point on, I can only move forward. There will be times when I will second guess, but the fact that I am so absolutely ready makes the road marker permanent. I am ready to go into missions.

My heart has resisted so many times. All of these reasons are selfish. Money, safety, inconvenience; these all factor into my reasons for resisting the heart for missions. However, if I desire to serve only my God, then these feelings need to go. These points in the Christian walk are what truly advance our ability to grow. When we are seeking to honor the Lord in everything, we find that letting go is often a necessity. It is somewhat funny that since I have let go, I have never felt so peaceful. I don't think this is an accident. This is God's promises coming to fruition.

I am not saying that I know that I am going to go overseas for good. However, my heart is fully willing and ready to go if the call is there. Coming back from China has changed my worldview drastically. How beautifully hard this change has been.

Here were my reservations. I so desire to have a wife and children. My heart is for China. I believe that if I am called, I will go to China. China is not exactly safe for Christians, at least not in the places where I desire to go if called. Could I really come to terms with bringing my family into a dangerous situation? Another thing, I know neither Cantonese or Mandarin. I would have to be educated. Yet another problem, my own vision for my future would be drastically thwarted if I went into full-time missions.

Here are the reasons why these reservations cannot stop me. Number one, being a full-time missionary doesn't mean I cannot have a family. Number two, how the heck would I inherently know Chinese. This reservation is motivated by laziness. Number three and most importantly, God is the One who will work it out. I have to do nothing besides seek Him. If I am to go, I will go. If I am to have a family, I will have a family. If I need to learn the language, God will provide. If God wants me to be safe, He will protect me. If God wants me to give my life over there, He will take it. I have no claim on my own life. I have willingly given it to Him in the first place.

I don't know if I will be called. I do know that if I am, I will go. I don't know if I will have a family. If God blesses me in such a way, well then, I'll take it. The people of China have a passion to preach the Word. The people of China are searching for the Word. They are hungry. If I have to sacrifice my life so that I may see more saints come into the Kingdom, then I will do so. What a beautiful position to be in. I fully rely on God to make it clear. Whatever direction that is, whether it be here in the states or across the ocean, I will be in the Lord's arms. I am not scared anymore. I have one purpose. I must glorify my God with my entire being.

Amen

healing in the mourning

Here at Moody we just had Founders Week. It was a great time of being fed the Word in abundance for 6 days. I will share just a few quotes from the speakers that hit me quite hard.

"One day I will stand before my Maker and give account for what He gave me, not what He gave you."
- Ian Leitch

"Even though [we] can't figure out the storyline, it doesn't mean there isn't a story."

"When the facts of faith come in contact with what seem to be the facts of life, you find that your faith is in peril."

"God doesn't give us answers, He gives us Himself."
-Haddon Robinson

"The God of creation is in the business of restoration."
-Alistair Begg

I must say that the words that I heard this weekend were wonderful. However, it was the response in my heart that was the real miracle. The Lord brought about something that I did not expect from such a great week. He brought about mourning. He is still bringing mourning.

This mourning that I speak of is the result of my recognition of the condition of my heart. I am realizing the total depravity that I have apart of Christ. I do not think that I have truly thought of the implications of sin in such a way. I sat in the auditorium reading the words on the screen while thousands of saints proclaimed the glory of God. Had I opened my mouth, I would have wept bitterly. I was able to see the state of my heart through the eyes of Christ. I was able to see sin through the lens of God Almighty. I saw myself nailing Christ to that cursed tree. I saw my hands shedding the blood of the Savior. I saw the choices I make as they blind me to the open arms of God and slap Him in the face. I saw the tears of the Lamb in anguish as the Father was forced to look away. My emotions could hardly be held together.

This type of mourning I have never done in such magnitude. In fact, I believe that I need to take time to actually mourn period. I have not yet released the emotions that need to be. I have been brought to the point of weeping but have not yet wept. I have been to the point of realization but have not yet cried out. Even if I do, what will this bring about. It seems that mourning would not produce good fruit. However, I believe it is vital to mourn our souls in order to fully realize grace.

When I can open up the caverns of my heart and see the poisonous venom that runs within, clear my vision and see the blood of Christ pouring over that putrid waste, only then will I know what Christ's sacrifice means. I will daily realize that the crucifixion was not a fable but a once-and-done sacrifice that constantly cleanses me from now until that glorious day that I am made wholly perfect. If I do not see that I am dead without Christ, then I can never experience what it means to live with Him.

No greater love. No greater sin. I cannot separate the two. I cannot accept the one without the other. I cannot pick one to dwell on and be complete. I have been saved, but God wants and lets me know what it is that I am saved from. This is truly a blessing. Mourning is a blessing. No greater blessing than to have the Almighty King reveal Himself in more clear light. Rather, no greater blessing than to have the veil removed a little more so that we may see the King as He has already revealed Himself to us. If it takes tears to wash the eyes of my heart, then let the tears flow.

This blog was originally written on March 26, 2006. This blog was probably my most in depth piece yet. It brought about my love for writing and my first realization that I could think a little deeper than my superficial tendencies of the past. I have changed since then, and my views on this topic may be a little different now. However, the purpose of writing is to see how your attitudes and values change. It is nice to look back:

Love ------ I will be taking excerpts from C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity as well as the Bible and my own interperetation in my attempt to convey what true love is

Is love at its core, a feeling?
You see, that is what we have all been grown to believe our entire lives.
However, I submit to you, love itself is not a feeling at all.

Love is committment.

Now, we must define committment. Does committment mean as long as we want to do something, we will continue? Does it mean that only as long as that passion for something is still raging, we will continue to be faithful to it?

No! Committment in itself is a promise. However, promise in this day in age is based upon feelings. True committment is an undying promise to follow through with something no matter what arises and no matter what feelings occur along the way.

Now, feelings are a byproduct of anything we do. They are not (or should not) be the reason why we take action. Feelings are encouragement and discouragement to continue to do something or to quit.

Any choice based upon encouragement and discouragement is really not solid at all. Choices based on truth are the only solid foundation.

If there is no absolute, there cannot be truth. If there is an absence of truth, there can be no right choices or wrong choices; there can only be choices based upon feelings. And as I have just said, feelings are no basis for right choice.

So, we must accept that if a choice is made void of feelings, rather, absolute truth, then no matter what happens, that choice is rooted in something infallable. Having all of these things set in place lends us to the ability to make a true committment.

Again, a true committment is based on unshakable promise, which is rooted in absolute truth, which is eternal and undying.

Let us weave this back to love.

Feelings of love are not fake whatsoever. I myself know how these feelings can affect judgement and actions. And, if, first being rooted in absolute truth, these feelings are not bad. However, they cannot be relied on to sustain committment.

Now I start to take what I have learned from C.S. Lewis

Being in love is not the same as love. Being 'in love' is the early stages of love. Mainly based upon feeling, a decision of whether or not committment will be made insues. Being in love is such a blessing. It is a time when we discover what it feels to be adored and to adore.

However, anyone who has been "In Love" knows what it feels for those feelings of complete joy to start to wane. This is where the foundation of committment begins to show its true strength.

"Love (apart from being in love) is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit...The two can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, BE 'IN LOVE' with somebody else." - C.S. Lewis

Once those feelings of being 'In Love' leave, and you have made the committment to love this person no matter what, you begin to discover what true love is. Love means no matter what the situation, you will forgive, you will be faithful, you will not go back on your promise.

However, those feelings of being 'In Love' will come back. Maybe not for long, but you will be blessed with those feelings again if you stay committed. And, as a result of that undying committment, those hardships will come as well. These feelings continue to come and go, but again, that will not matter if you will remain faithful no matter what. Life is not fair, but love rooted in absolute truth will always remain. You will have that one thing in life to count on. No matter what the situation, if you stay true in your relationship, life will be manageable.

Now, you may all think I am talking about human relationships. In a sense, we as humans can grasp that. But, we are not perfect. We have no ability to remain committed wholeheartedly without the Absolute working through us.

That absolute is Christ. He is is the one we must root our committments in. Hebrews 13:8 - Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

For God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -- Romans 5:8

God will not change, He has loved us before the creation of the world, He loves us now, and He will love us forever.

If we do not base our earthly love on a Love, that is God, which never changes and is always faithful, we will be disappointed with anything we look to. If we can experience pure love, we will never go back. God loves us when we are unlovable. No matter how you have been hurt in this life, tainted by satan and his evil, you have the gift of love awaiting you. God only tells us to receive it. All we must do is give all control to Him and run into His open arms. Once we do that, we will experience His unfathomable love on this earth, and once we die, we will bask in His love forever and ever in His Holy Presence.

I promise that receiving that Love will heal the wounds you thought unhealable. It may not be immediate or exactly how we would like, but Christ's power gives us that ability to heal. But, it takes that committment on your part to love God as He loves us. If you do, the worries of this life will be manageable because you know that God is there as your comforter at all times.

Amen Lord Jesus!!
I LOVE YOU!

some warmth amidst this stone cold city

This past weekend started out like one of those days where you just can't find anything to do. These days dumbfound me because there is absolutely no reason for your attitude to be so blah, but nevertheless, it is blah. So, Friday started this way. I just sat in my room and then wandered around the floor a little bit. However, I apparently forgot that there is an entire city right outside my window. Eventually I kicked myself in the head and told myself that I needed to get out. It is very lonely if you wander the streets of Chicago by yourself, at 10 degrees farenheit, late in the evening. I decided to invite my new brother Jon from O.C., Cali to go on a little walk. So we did.

Initially we were walking for no reason and with no intended destination. However, the Lord has a weird way of prodding me when I am doing something without purpose. So, we prayed that the Lord would bring about someone for us to talk to. If not, we would enjoy a nice walk and some good conversation. Nothing happened for the longest time. We just walked and froze. We shared testimonies and just got to know one another a little bit more. We were approaching lower Wacker, which is a place where many homeless live, and decided to check it out. We did not initially see anyone and so we decided to head to Excalibur. Excalibur is one of the biggest dance clubs in the Chicago and is known throughout the world. We figured there must be tons of people there to get to know.

We approached the club and, sure enough, there were tons of people waiting in the freezing cold to get in the place and start living the "good life". We met a man who was standing outside and talked to him for a little while. Jon and I listened to the rundown of the history of the building and such. We turned around after a few minutes and saw a man staring at us with glazed-over eyes. I knew he was really drunk. But, we turned to him and started a conversation. We learned some about who he was and where he was from. It was great to be able to share the love of Christ through simple conversation. This man had been beaten and battered by society and by his own bad decisions. This is the first time that I have felt the Lord calling me to love another person in this city by just speaking with an honest heart. I was filled with joy just sitting there talking to this troubled man. My joy was from the Lord as He worked through me. I found that my heart can love someone in the middle of a cold night, in the middle of a cold city, without any reason other than to conform more to the likeness of Christ.

I don't know if I had any impact on this man's life. He was drunk, but I think he still understood that Jon and I cared about him. I pray for this man. I pray that when I get to heaven, I will see him there. I pray that he will realize the source of the love that we showed for him. Either way, I have never gotten so much from giving. My heart has changed in its view of this dark city. There is a harvest field. So many need His love. If I can be the vessel for this, then I am fulfilling my purpose. What a great weekend.

angels and demons

I am reading this book currently about the persecuted church in China. This book is a novel by Randy Alcorn, but I believe the Lord has given him an incredible gift by allowing him to write windows into the spiritual realm while living in the physical. If you are a believer, you cannot help but read with tears in your eyes from the beautiful picture that this man paints of the battle between heaven and hell. The vivid images in my mind produce an excitement within me that has not been rivaled since I first had the Chronicles of Narnia read to me. But this, this story of epic proportions, is happening. It really exists. It is because of this truth that my imagination is finally able to bleed into reality. It is every kid's dream!

Going through life, it is easy to become calloused to the knowledge that there is a war going on all around us. We cannot see it or hear it in most cases. I believe that there are occasional manifestations of this incredible battle that allow us humans to catch a snapshot, but we do not hear of it often, at least not here in America. Thinking more about that, it is probably good that we don't hear about it often because our natural reaction to such things would be to develop a money making ploy. Anyway, whether we try and deny it or not, our very souls are being fought for. Some have been won, other's are still in the tug of war. Whatever your view is on how this works, one thing remains..."seek and you will find" (Matt. 7:7). God says it so I will just go ahead and say that the trump card has been laid. But just think, what initially seems like fiction is actually happening. Evil versus good. We grow up seeking those stories with our hearts.

Many deny this possibility, but I believe it is because they have not looked into the situation. I had read about and prayed that I could catch glimpse of the supernatural. The more I was interested, the more I became intuitive about what was going on. I believe the Spirit of God allows us to sense when evil is present the more we seek His guidance. This makes sense since we are seeking the Spirit of the Almighty God who is in the spiritual realm. When we become sensitive to His presence, I believe He allows us to be exposed to the other side. In my own experience, there have been monumental points where I have encountered that other side. To be honest, when you get a taste of that side, you know without a doubt that you want no part in it. They are the most terrifying experiences of my life. In those moments, you learn what it truly means to run into the arms of your Father all over again. No one can stand up to the devil under his own power. There is no question. Thankfully, the Lord has used those experiences to verify to me that He does exist and that He is who He says He is. I think that is why we are exposed to such terror; to prove to us that God is a warrior and to remove the possibility of us taking credit for what is not ours. If we realize that our only hope is the Lord in such times, then we have no one to praise but the God of heaven.

This book is humbling me to the point that I am realizing, once again, that... "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph. 6:12). Christ has overcome those forces already when He defeated Satan on the cross. When we resist and call upon the name of Christ for help, we can know this: "In the race of the Christian life, every believer's victory is ASSURED because Someone else has already been declared the winner. The life that I now life, no matter how difficult the struggle, is really just a victory lap" (John Koessler). We cannot be ignorant of the fight that is going on, but we can take joy in the fact that it has been won. Having experienced another dose of the devil's attempt to terrify me this past week, I am brought to my knees to acknowledge that the spiritual realm is real and that the King has dominion over it all!

Amun Zhu Yesu Jidu

Getting Back

What a beautiful thing it is to get back to what you know is right. This is not some place specifically or an activity that just "completes" you in some way. I am talking about getting back into the place where you know you are loved and cared for: the arms of God. Being in Chicago this semester has once again began to affirm me that I am here because the Lord has declared that I should do so. The peace that He promises to give when we are serving Him is enough to make me stay put and soak it up.

This peace would be quite uncertain if I did not see any fruit from being here both in my own life as well as in the lives of the other brothers on this floor that I live on. The pain that has gone and is going through Culby 3 is being surpassed by the joining together of believers and the sharpening of iron by iron. The questions that we all have, the uncertainties, the doubts; they all are present but are combated by the joining of hearts in community and lifting up of one another. Some are at their lowest point and some are on the mountaintop. We cannot survive without each other's circumstances. Those who have joy can spill over to those who feel empty and minister to their pain. We expect the tide to turn sometime and those who were giving of themselves so graciously will become the men who need to be invested in more intentionally. This is brotherhood. This is the Body.

It brings me to tears to think of the faithfulness of God in my life compared to the unfaithfulness I return to Him. But, these tears must be tears of joy and thankfulness because of the grace I have received instead of tears that resurrect the knowledge of my corrupt being. God forbid that I turn the attention to myself and overlook the gift that has been offered me so freely. Even in pain and sorrow, we are not to be self-centered with our thinking. Conversely, in our blessing and joy we are to keep our eyes toward heaven so that we are ever reminded that no amount of hard work or worth have we that could have brought about such things.

I am finding this in my own life. Am I praying so that others will hear a good prayer? Am I even writing this solely for the purpose of receiving recognition? My selfish nature is so deeply rooted that I cannot even recognize its ugly face. My mouth moves and the noise comes out, but do the praise choruses ring true in my heart? I should think that my mouth would be better closed than spewing lies. I am not without hope. I am recognizing the depth of my depravity and so can remedy the heart of the problem. And there you have it; my heart is the problem. But, I am coming back. I am being wooed by the Lover of my soul, the King of my being, my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. I am coming back. I am seeing once again what it means to die to self and surrender all. I am not there, but I am coming back.

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." Ephesians 4:15-16