healing in the mourning

Here at Moody we just had Founders Week. It was a great time of being fed the Word in abundance for 6 days. I will share just a few quotes from the speakers that hit me quite hard.

"One day I will stand before my Maker and give account for what He gave me, not what He gave you."
- Ian Leitch

"Even though [we] can't figure out the storyline, it doesn't mean there isn't a story."

"When the facts of faith come in contact with what seem to be the facts of life, you find that your faith is in peril."

"God doesn't give us answers, He gives us Himself."
-Haddon Robinson

"The God of creation is in the business of restoration."
-Alistair Begg

I must say that the words that I heard this weekend were wonderful. However, it was the response in my heart that was the real miracle. The Lord brought about something that I did not expect from such a great week. He brought about mourning. He is still bringing mourning.

This mourning that I speak of is the result of my recognition of the condition of my heart. I am realizing the total depravity that I have apart of Christ. I do not think that I have truly thought of the implications of sin in such a way. I sat in the auditorium reading the words on the screen while thousands of saints proclaimed the glory of God. Had I opened my mouth, I would have wept bitterly. I was able to see the state of my heart through the eyes of Christ. I was able to see sin through the lens of God Almighty. I saw myself nailing Christ to that cursed tree. I saw my hands shedding the blood of the Savior. I saw the choices I make as they blind me to the open arms of God and slap Him in the face. I saw the tears of the Lamb in anguish as the Father was forced to look away. My emotions could hardly be held together.

This type of mourning I have never done in such magnitude. In fact, I believe that I need to take time to actually mourn period. I have not yet released the emotions that need to be. I have been brought to the point of weeping but have not yet wept. I have been to the point of realization but have not yet cried out. Even if I do, what will this bring about. It seems that mourning would not produce good fruit. However, I believe it is vital to mourn our souls in order to fully realize grace.

When I can open up the caverns of my heart and see the poisonous venom that runs within, clear my vision and see the blood of Christ pouring over that putrid waste, only then will I know what Christ's sacrifice means. I will daily realize that the crucifixion was not a fable but a once-and-done sacrifice that constantly cleanses me from now until that glorious day that I am made wholly perfect. If I do not see that I am dead without Christ, then I can never experience what it means to live with Him.

No greater love. No greater sin. I cannot separate the two. I cannot accept the one without the other. I cannot pick one to dwell on and be complete. I have been saved, but God wants and lets me know what it is that I am saved from. This is truly a blessing. Mourning is a blessing. No greater blessing than to have the Almighty King reveal Himself in more clear light. Rather, no greater blessing than to have the veil removed a little more so that we may see the King as He has already revealed Himself to us. If it takes tears to wash the eyes of my heart, then let the tears flow.